Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Christmas Roses

What was Mary's wish for Christmas? 

Out of the corner of her eye all she could see was this huge pot. She turned her head. No, it was a vase full of the reddest roses she had ever seen. She opened her eyes wide. "Oh my", she sighed, "He remembered. He remembered what I said." As she looked down at her feet and tried to move them, they would not budge. "What about my arms?" she thought. "Yes, success. I can move them!" She turned on her left side in an attempt to lift the vase from the side table. She ached so much. It was difficult but she reached out her arms, touched the vase and...over it went crashing to the floor, causing every rose to be thoroughly drenched with water. "Oh, no!" she screamed, "It's happened again. I've ruined Christmas!"
Coming December 2011!

Monday, October 24, 2011

book review: Trust Me, I'm Dr. Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne

Book review:  Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy
 by Don Grigware
John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne is an English vocalist, whose musical career has spanned over 40 years. Osbourne rose to prominence as lead singer of the pioneering English heavy metal band Black Sabbath, whose radically different, intentionally dark, harder sound helped spawn the heavy metal genre. In his subsequent solo career Osbourne achieved a multi-platinum status in addition to the one he had earned with Black Sabbath. It was during his Sabbath days that, due to their dark style of music, Osbourne became known as the "Prince of Darkness". In the early 2000s, Osbourne's career expanded to a new medium when he became a star in his own TV reality show, The Osbournes, alongside wife/manager Sharonand two of their three children, Kelly and Jack. As of December 2010, Osbourne has sold over 100 million albums worldwide both as a solo artist and a member of Black Sabbath.
Osbourne published a humorous autobiography in October 2009, titled I Am Ozzy. Osbourne says ghost writer Chris Ayres told the singer he then had enough material for a second book. Therefore, on the heels of the New York Times bestselling I Am Ozzy comes a sequel entitled Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy, Advice from Rock’s Ultimate Survivor. Ozzy’s alcohol/drug habit for the past four decades caused him to have his DNA scientifically mapped last year to see if it could be explained how he has managed to survive for such a long time under the influence. Obviously, the advice Osbourne gives to readers is good common sense, and not to be taken seriously. In fact, there is a disclaimer at the book’s beginning stating, Dr. O’s memory of events between 1968 and the present are not entirely reliable.
The book is divided into twelve chapters labeled Hazardous Contents. Each chapter heading is quite funny, such as Pruning, described as Cleanliness is next to Ozzyness or Surgery with the subtitle If You Want Something Done…Do It Yourself. Family is called the other F word, so with titles such as these, the reader knows he is in for lots of belly laughs. Any research in the book has been supplied by co-author Chris Ayres, such as actual quizzes that appear throughout and factually-based tables of medical tips and suggestions.
To give you just a tease of what to expect, many of the patients have asked questions such as the following:
Should I really drink eight glasses of water a day?
Ozzy’s answer?
I tried drinking eight glasses of water a day for a while, and my bladder felt like a red-hot fucking cannon ball. I need to pee a lot as it is…I might as well just live in the can. The practical advice is: get your daily supply of water from eating fruits and vegetables. Above and beyond that, drink as much as you need to prevent yourself from being thirsty.  Plenty of common sense here!
In another question someone tells that they sent an e-mail about hating their job to a friend and accidentally copied their boss.
What should I do?
Ozzy’s advice?
Look for a new job.
There are amazingly frank questions about sex, dating and everything else under the sun. Osbourne answers them all with tongue-in-cheek candor. There are some amazing medical miscellany like gargling with piss and even what exactly to stock in your medicine cabinet such as: for hangovers? four bottles of brandy; for constipation? two sticks of dynamite. A bit extreme you say…over-the-top? Yes, of course, but, folks, this is Ozzy Osbourne and he gives his fans exactly what they expect: a bottle of Ozzy Osbourne wrapped up in a whole lot of zaniness As he himself says: the only advice I am qualified to give would have you end up dead or in jail.
Outrageously funny stuff! Buy it!

Available in bookstores from Grand Central Publishing/October, 2011