Lady Fingers

This site is meant to introduce another side of Don Grigware, playwright and short story writer.

The following is a ten-minute play written in August, 2010.

Lady Fingers

by Don Grigware

(The time is evening, around 7 pm, Saturday, November 16, 1963. We are in the kitchen of Carlo’s Italian Café, a basement restaurant in Brooklyn, New York. Carlo, a plain 55 year-old man, is furiously chopping vegetables for his prize-winning salad. Carlo is Italian born, with a heavy accent, and is a consummate chef. When he speaks, it is with the utmost authority. Magenta, his wife of five years, 40ish but still quite beautiful, is American born, of Italian parents, and a bundle of insecurity. She is dressed to the nines, with heavy makeup, and hardly belongs in a kitchen. As Carlo is chopping, Magenta screams bloody murder from the dining room and enters the kitchen abruptly, verbally attacking him the minute we see her. There is a fairly large counter area and a door behind which leads to a back alley. On the wall hangs a large menu of the day’s menu – today, Saturday specials are Carlo’s spicy chicken breast, and for dessert, spumoni with lady fingers.) (Song “Come On a My House” by Rosemary Clooney is heard in the background.)

Magenta

(from outside the kitchen) You crazy son-of-a-bitch! Rat turd! Fuckin asshole! (Magenta enters)

Carlo

What? What are you talking about, my little cannoli?

                                                                  Magenta

You know what I’m talking about, you two-timing son of a puta! You know I have a weak heart and you’ve been screwin’ around behind my back!! (starts looking in a locker, and opens up all the cabinets) Where is she, you fuckin’ dickster?

Carlo

Calm down, spaghetti face! She’s a not here! (catches himself) I mean there’s no one but you, my angel!

Magenta

Liar! Go to confession and tell it to Father Carboni! Open your heart and tell the truth for once in your miserable fuckin’ life!

Carlo

(looks heavenwards) Mama, I’m a sorry! You were right. The face of an angel, but the mouth of a truckdriver! Sit down, Magenta, sweetheart.

Magenta

Tell me the fuckin’ truth! You’re not JFK. He can walk with Jacqueline Bouvier on his arm – she’s got miles of class - and screw Marilyn Monroe on the side and no one says anything, because his family’s rich and powerful. Handsome, powerful men can get away with deceit. Powerful you ain’t!

Carlo

(goes to her and puts his arms around her) Sit down. No, I’m not a powerfula man, I’m a poor chef, but you’re a fine one to talk. You were a cheap barroom stripper when I met you. I pulled you out of that dive and now you have a life. Maybe it’s not a palace, maybe you and I aren’t wearing crowns, but we do OK. Now sit down and I will tell you the truth. Sit down and I will! I promise.

(They sit. She resists at first.)

There’s a no problem! Ok, so, I did see Cassie Meloni lasta week.

Magenta

You went out with that whore?

Carlo

She ordered three pizzas.

Magenta

So you had to deliver them?!

Carlo

Si, di delivery kid was outa sick. Who else can I rely on here? Be razonable!

Magenta

What night was that? Wednesday. I knew I smelled L’air du temps on you that night. That cheap flousy. She always had lousy taste in cologne.

Carlo

Nothing happened. I delivered da pizzas, she paid me and...

Magenta

Did she give you a tip? Did you do it in the living room or couldn’t you hold it in and so you took her right there on the hall floor?

Carlo

No, no, no! Noting a happened. She tried to kissa me and I said no!

Magenta

(starting to be a bit more patient) You turned down a kiss!? Bullshit!

Carlo

Froma that ho, si, I did!! Bambina, she doesn’t a kissa like you!

(they start to laugh. It builds to an hysterical outburst, which leads to some passionate kissing.)

Magenta

(hardly able to contain their passion) Can we close up, for a while? Business is slow.

Carlo

We have a party of 50 coming in in two hours. It’s dinnertime. There are lasagnas to make and meatballs and…No! I can’t, but we’ll make it an early night.

Magenta

(looks at his ring finger) That’s what you always say. Where is your wedding ring?

Carlo

Oh, I must have left it upstairs.

Magenta

No, you didn’t. (long pause) You know, I haven’t seen it on the dresser for a week, if memory serves me right.

Carlo

It’s in the car or the truck. I haven’t lost it.

Magenta

You gave it to her, didn’t you?

Carlo

We are not going to get back to that, are we? I will not clarify that with an answer.

Magenta

You deceitful bastard!

Carlo

WHAT??

Magenta

(looks at sign) And what’s this about lady fingers? What authentic Italian ristorante serves ladyfingers for dessert?

Carlo

You know those little old non Italian ladies from the hood love something dainty to have with their tea or after dinner licor. I thought I’d please the Americans for a change.

(phone rings and Carlo picks it up)

Carlo

Buon journo. Carlo’s Italian Café. Guiseppe Giancarlo, how are you my friend? (seems especially nervous) No, I’ve got it for you. Tonight? I thought our appointment was for tomorrow? Wait a minute…Magenta: Finish cutting the veggies for the salads. I need to talk to him in private. I’ll be right back! (exits to the other room)

Magenta

(cutting) I don’t believe a word that that asshole says. Now he’s probably in trouble with the mafia too! They’ve threatened to close us down before…they could do it again. (sings) (It Must Be Him) Oh, let it please be him, oh dear God, it must be him, …

(Backdoor opens and in creeps a young handsome man about 28, sneaks up behind Magenta and grabs her around the waist and starts kissing her neck. She screams with delight, turns and kisses him.)

Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank…I told you, you must never come here; it’s too dangerous. If he finds you, he’ll kill you.

Frank

Do you think he bothers me? Do you think I’m afraid of him?

Magenta

You don’t understand, my darling. He’s Italian. He has mafia connections. If he finds you or even finds out about you, he’ll kill you and me both. You should be afraid.

Frank

Well, I’m not. I’m half his age, and twice the man he ever was. (grabs her and locks her in a passionate embrace) Do you disagree?

Magenta

You are delicious, that’s for sure! Look, he’s on the other side of that door, on the phone and will be back in the shake of a lamb’s tail. Get your ass out of here. I’ll meet you later!

Frank

At my place at 11?

Magenta

Yes, I promise, but go, go, go!

Frank

Look, I can give you so much more than he can. I can buy and sell this creep.

Magenta

Will you…

(she is interrupted by Carlo’s swift reentry)

Carlo

Ah, ha! I caught you.

Frank

It’s time we put an end to this charade. I have something to say to you.

Carlo

Say it, sonny boy!

Frank

I love your wife and intend to make her happy.

(slowly Carlo makes his way to the counter )

Carlo

I don’t think you can give her the security she needs. Do you know what a big spender she is? She requires a lot of TLC.

Frank

And she deserves it.

Magenta

Thank you, Frank. But…

Carlo

(picking up knife as if he will attack Frank)

You are nothing but a child. (lifts knife and moves toward Frank)

Frank

Holy crap! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Frank runs to back door, opens it and runs out yelling.)

Magenta

Frank!

Carlo

So much for your LOVER. He’s nothing but a boy toy, a coward. Thought you could fool me! You little two-timing slut! And you had the unmitigated gaul to accuse me of cheating on you!

Magenta

He’s nothing. He means nothing to me.

Carlo

A child! How dare you? And right here in our kitchen.

Magenta

In our kitchen? This is not our home.

Carlo

It’s home to me!

Magenta

So how’s Cassie? Is she joining you later for cocktails?

Carlo

And what about Frank? Was the plan to join him for cocktails?

Magenta

Maybe.

Carlo

And maybe NOT. (he picks up knife from counter and holds it high as if to attack and walks toward her.)

Magenta

What are you doing? (she starts running)

Carlo

Finishing business with you. I should have done it years ago.

Magenta

Don’t be a fool. You need me. Giancarlo wants to take over, doesn’t he? He wants to buy you out. I can help.

Carlo

What? By bedding him my sweet?

Magenta

What?

Carlo

Don’t think I know that you slept with him before?

(they continue running. All of a sudden, Magenta puts up her hand and stops.)

Magenta

Carlo, my heart. Please. I can’t take any more. Please!

(she collapses)

Carlo

My little dessert. My little plum pudding. My little cannoli.

(he checks her pulse and when he realizes she’s dead, he drags her body over toward the counter and props her up, face down, with her right arm outstretched)

(looks up at menu sign)

We’ll see who has the tastiest ladyfingers in town!

(he lifts the knife high and starts to bring it down to cut off her hand, as lights fade.)

THE END

(Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” is heard in the background.)